You’ve been invited to a party and the only person you know is the host. So, what do you do when you don’t know anyone at a party? Don’t worry, I’ve got five clever ways to help you maintain your ‘friendless’ dignity.
1. Pretend to have diarrhea.
Let’s face it, if don’t know anyone, you need something to do and what you do needs to look natural. Well, what’s more natural than diarrhea? Not only does this give you an excuse to go to the toilet numerous times, it also gives you an excuse to spend a considerable length of time in there, and you won’t seem awkward in the least. Think of all the activities you can do in there: you could Twitter what’s inside the medicine cabinet, you could take photos of yourself in the mirror and post them on Facebook, you could fill shampoo bottles with hair dye (come on, we’ve seen this in screwball comedy and it’s pretty funny right?), and you could even sprinkle the toilet seat with water for the next person. But, when you leave, don’t forget to clog the toilet or your game is up. So, come prepared with your own bag of brown elixir. Me? I tend to save my cat’s but you could save your dog’s or your own if you prefer.
2. Fake a slip and spill a drink.
Indeed, there are several ways to meet people; there’s the “Hi my name is *insert name*”, the “Hi, so how do you know the host”, the “Hi, you have some chocolate on your nose, oops sorry that’s a mole”, but my personal favourite because it will guarantee you won’t be ignored is to say nothing and pretend to slip. Then, as you slip you ‘accidently’ spill your drink on someone. You can see the conversation opener already, can’t you? “Oooh, I’m sooo sorry”, to which they’ll reply “No, that’s fine”, to which you’ll reply “Here, let me help you”, to which they’ll reply “No, really it’s okay” to which you’ll reply “I’ll get you a napkin”, and etc, etc, etc. It works every time. Hey, you might even get a compo claim out of it. Win for you.
3. Call a nerd.
Contrary to popular belief (and clichés) getting on your iPhone/Blackberry is the perfect way to appear important and popular. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t a single person to speak to at the party, the truth is, you don’t want to talk to them anyway - you’re too cool for them. This is why keeping in touch with nerds you’ve met along the way is important. They’ll be so happy to hear from you that they’ll talk to you for however long you want. And don’t feel bad about using them, the fact is, you are indeed doing them a favour by calling them every now and then. And they always answer, trust me.
4. Take up smoking.
Everyone knows that smokers are lonely people. They prefer to be around people who can join them on their journey towards death, and all you have to do is go outside to the fresh air. There is always some wanna-be dragon who is happy to instantaneously become your lifetime buddy (a very short lifetime, but a lifetime nevertheless). So, go on, grab a cigarette and live a little (do you see what I did there?).
5. Turn up high
Nothing, except crack and heroin, can give you friends as quickly. Besides the fact that you won’t ‘give a shit’ but could simultaneously shit your pants (see how it all comes full circle), you’ll be seeing a plethora of friends. There’s Red Grape Bandit, who seems to be in every glass you hold, there’s Rainbow Spotsman, who seems to sprinkle himself on every yeast inspired blanket, and there’s also Minnie, Marge, Kenny and Johnny Depp all vying for your attention. Calm down, I don’t know, that’s just what happened on my trip, okay. Sure, you won’t see them tomorrow, but they were there when you needed them – and that’s what friends are for - and you know how this goes… “Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me……….etc, etc, etc.”
A special thanks to my all-true friends; diarrhea, alcohol, nerds, cigarettes and drugs. I love you all!
In gratitude to Laura Hughes, who, through her on-the-field reporting, made this post possible: check her out on www.thelaurahughes.com